Thursday, December 23, 2010

THEMES TO AVOID

Exploding altars.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

COCK-A-DOODLE-DON'T

There might be a liturgical reason for this but I'll be damned if I can figure out what it is.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

A PAT ON THE HEAD

When someone sent me this, I had an immediate and intensely negative reaction to it but it took me a very long time to figure out why.  But then I remembered that the accompanying material stated that this would be ideal in services prominently featuring children and that's when it hit me.

I grew up at Emmanuel Episcopal Church in Webster Groves, Missouri.  This was during the early 1960's, the last gasp of Episcopal traditionalism.  That meant that there were still, at least at my parish, rather stringent rules about who could take the Eucharist and when.

Consequently, little kids like me had to be ushered out at some point.  This usually took place at the gradual hymn(for non-Anglicans, that's a hymn sung both before and after the Gospel reading) when an acolyte would lead us up to a lovely little chapel upstairs where we would have what was basically children's church.

If I remember correctly, this was loosely based on Morning Prayer(if you're an Episcopalian and you've never experienced one of those, ask you grandparents) and was usually conducted by a junior member of the clergy.  But what brought this back to my mind where the vestments that that junior member of the clergy wore.

They wore exactly the same relatively restrained vestments(this was also well before the idea of making an Important Artistic StatementTM with one's chasuble had taken root) the clergy for the grown-ups wore.

When you're a kid, what is the one thing in life you most don't want to be?  A kid.  You want to get around town on a vehicle you don't have to pedal.  You want to eat pizza whenever the mood strikes you.  And you don't want to have to ask the big people for money.

More than anything else, you want to be taken seriously.

I didn't know exactly what was going on in kid's church back then(it took me years to figure it out) but I think that on some level, I knew that I was doing something important.  So while I might not have fully realized it, I really think that I would have been insulted if the minister had ever come in wearing something as condescending as this. 

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

ALTERATIONS WHILE U WAIT

If the phrase "too clever by half" ever suggests itself, you're doing it wrong.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

FRONTAL?

Or Jackson Pollock's bath mat?

Sunday, November 7, 2010

I AM HARLEQUIN*

I am your WORST NIGHTMARE!!

*Another MST3K reset but I can't remember which one it's from.

Monday, November 1, 2010

DEFINITION

Dignity
1. The quality or state of being worthy of esteem or respect.
2. Inherent nobility and worth: the dignity of honest labor.
3. a. Poise and self-respect.
    b. Stateliness and formality in manner and appearance.
4. The respect and honor associated with an important position.
5. A high office or rank.

Antonym: That guy in the picture.

Monday, October 18, 2010

SOMETIMES ALL YOU CAN SAY IS...

Ewwww.

STILL HERE

I apologize for slacking off. Work's been insane lately and my hours were changed completely around(for the last 16 years or so, I've worked 1:00 PM until 9:00 PM most days; for the last two weeks, I had to work 8:30 AM to 4:30 PM). But things are going to return to normal soon and I've got a backlog of some...interesting selections.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

VESTMENT OR STAR TREK COSTUME?

You just don't know!

Thursday, September 23, 2010

BOIDS

I don't want to know the reason for this.  I JUST don't.

Monday, September 20, 2010

"GRAY SKIES ARE GOING TO CLEAR UP..."

Seriously, what is the deal with Scandinavian Lutherans and the color gray?

NO. NO. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!!

I don't know who this guy is and I don't care.  I'm sorry.  I don't care what you're trying to communicate here.  This is completely unacceptable.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

THEMES TO AVOID

This reminds me of one of my EEG's

Thursday, September 9, 2010

ROTFLMAO

Once again, these are not vestments.  But the Board of Directors of BadVestCo Enterprises is considering expanding the scope of this site to include include not only vestments but church decorations as well (any input you have for or against such a move will be greatly appreciated). 

This picture, via FAILBlog, illustrates that while the Church should not conform itself to the world, it needs to know how the world conducts its affairs.  As the Lord Jesus Christ advised us, "Be ye therefore wise as serpents, and harmless as doves."

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE

I know, I know, this isn't a vestment.  But I run the place so I get to break the rules once in a while.  And since it is as horrible an example of ecclesiastical bad taste as I've ever seen since, well, the post just below this one, I couldn't pass this up.

Anyone care to hazard a guess as to what this is?

(1) An example of that 1970's trend that was going to revolutionize the entire Christian religion.  The roller-disco chapel.

(2) What the Ordained BarbieTM Church Set looks like(only $49.95).

(3) Matthew Fox's rumpus room.

(4) The place where the first openly-homosexual bishop in the Episcopal Church was to be consecrated until Gene Robinson had the good taste to take one look at it and forcefully tell Presiding Bishop Frank Griswold, "Are you people insane?!  Frank, I refuse to be photographed in front of that monstrosity, never mind consecrated there!"

(5) The sanctuary where the ceremony of the beatification of John Newman will be performed in Britain.

Answer here.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

BACK TO THE FUTURE

I realize that I'm going to date myself but here goes:

(1) Nice to see Bishop Q*Bert back in town again.

(2) You won one of these if you made it through four levels of Pole Position.

(3) Bald Bull wore this in Punch-Out!!  If you hit him anywhere on it, he was knocked out instantly.  Saved me more than a few times, let me tell you.

(4) When you saw this in Xevious and destroyed the pink ghost, you automatically moved to the next level and receieved an extra life.

(5) Any time a frog crossed this in Frogger, he couldn't be harmed.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

LET'S SEE, HOW CAN I PUT THIS?

No, nr, non, nein, não, nuh-uh, squat, jack squat, less than jack squat, bupkis, ain’t happening, no way Jose, cold day in hell, take another run at it, come back when you’re serious, you have got to be effing KIDDING me, man, etc.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

RECYCYLING

Huh.  I wondered what happened to my old shower curtain.

MAXIM

If you ever see your minister walk into church dressed like this, it is not only your right to get up and leave, it is your Christian duty.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

WHERE A KID CAN BE A KID.

My correspondent informs me that the wearer of this is Catholic.  Leaving aside from the tie-dyeing and the horrible color combination, the first thing that popped into my head when I saw this was Chuck E. Cheese and how if you roll the ball into that top hole, you win 50 tickets.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

FINALLY THOUGHT OF ONE!!

Ladies and gentlemen!!  Give it up for the world's first Swiss Army bishop!!

[Yeah, I get it.  Let's see.  Does her crozier come with a fold-out saw, pair of scissors, can opener, bottle opener, file, Philips screwdriver, reamer, pliers and corkscrew?  Does it have little slots for the tweezers and the toothpick?  Really, Chris?  You came all the way back here to make that joke? - Ed.]

Okay, so maybe it wasn't that great.

[It wasn't even a little bit great - Ed.]

Hey, Albert Pujols hits doubles sometimes.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

BISHOP?

Or Star Trek character?

Sunday, August 1, 2010

WARNING

The person who sent me this informs me that these vestments were worn during a funeral at New York's Riverside Church.  Riverside's been a hotbed of goofball pseudo-Christian liberalism for some time so I guess this isn't that much of surprise.

But mark this down.  Wear something like this during my funeral and I'll either haunt you, if that's possible, or give you really intense nightmares for the rest of your days on this plane of existence.

Are we clear?  Good.

Friday, July 30, 2010

I CANNOT BE ANY MORE SERIOUS!!

Stop it.  Stop it RIGHT NOW!!

Oh, and  here are four words I'd never better see adjacent to each other ever again.  Ministry of the puppets.

Props to Elle.

THEMES TO AVOID

Stained glass.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

MORE GIANT PAPIER-MÂCHÉ CALVINIST PUPPETS OF DOOM

This sighting took place at the First Congregational Church here in my home town of Webster Groves, Missouri, also known as the Paris of St. Louis County, and it...no, I can't do it.  I'm sorry.  I have to say something here.

WHAT THE HELL IS THE DEAL WITH GIANT PUPPETS DURING CHRISTIAN WORSHIP?!!

The Catholics have employed them, the Episcopalians have employed them, the Presbyterians have employed them, somebody sent me a Evangelican Lutheran Church in America link the other day and now we have the United Church of Christ.  We're pretty much across the spectrum here.  So I just have one question

For crying out loud, what in the world are you trying to accomplish?!!  Well, we want to make worship more meaningful.  Really?  The worship of the Creator of the entire universe and the Redeemer of your soul isn't meaningful enough for you?

Even though I'm a Protestant, there's a lot to be said for Eucharistic Adoration.  It's much better to sit there, keep your mouth shut and know that He is God rather than go through any ceremony in which giant puppets are in any way involved.

End of rant.  Sorry you had to see that.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

GIANT PAPIER-MÂCHÉ CALVINIST PUPPETS OF DOOM


Roman Catholics?  I don't want to alarm you but one of your few claims to liturgical atrocity fame has recently been seriously challenged by the Presbyterians.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

PERFECT STORM

As a matter of fact, these are Episcopalians.  What gave it away?

THIS IS A MOBILE PHONE...

...held by a man with absolutely no aesthetic sense.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

THINGS THAT ARE NOT SINS

Clashing with the ecclesiastical décor.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

A TRIBUTE TO CHROMIUM

Because Maine Episcopal Bishop Stephen Lane is rocking green flames.  Chromium burns green.  Get it?  It's funny.  Okay, maybe not so much.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

WE HAVE A WINNER!!

The 2009-2010 Bad Vestments Worst Vestment of the Year competition is over and the winner, going away, is Mold, Mildew and Fungus.  Congratulations!!

ROCK CLIMBING, JOEL*

A guy sent me this several months back.  After thinking long and hard about some form of appropriate snark, the best that I could come up with was this.  Butterflies, for crying out loud.  The guy's got butterflies on his chasuble.

*Mystery Science Theater 3000 reference

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

TOO MUCH OF A GOOD THING

Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for the worlds first walking iconostasis.

Monday, June 14, 2010

THE 2009-2010 BV WORST VESTMENTS FIELD

I apologize for the lateness of this but things have been a bit hectic around here.  Anyhoo, after much consideration, here is the final field for the 2009-2010 Bad Vestments Worst Vestment competition.  You'll havet to go back and look at them.  Vote only once in the comments.  I'll keep a link to this post prominent for two weeks.

1. WOULD YOU LIKE FRIES WITH THAT? – July 17, 2009

2. BED, BATH AND BEYOND KIDS BEDDING SALE! – July 20, 2009

3. MOLD, MILDEW AND FUNGUS – July 22, 2009

4. NOW BATTING FOR THE TAMPA BAY RAYS… - July 30, 2009

5. BV OVERLOAD – December 7, 2009

6. ALL GOD’S CREATION – December 20, 2009

7. TARGET PRACTICE – January 7, 2010

8. REMEMBER THE OVEN MITT!! – January 25, 2010

9. FULLY INVOLVED – April 13, 2010

10. TRUTH IN ADVERTISING – May 13, 2010

Monday, May 31, 2010

THEMES TO AVOID

A rosary as fashion statement.  Who are you, Madonna?

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

CAROLINA THREEFER

First, a little housecleaning. Things have been a bit on the hectic side around here lately. I'm still working on the field for the 2009-2010 Bad Vestments "Worst Vestment of the Year" voting and should have it up by this weekend.

On to new business. If you run a site like this, any story about the consecration of an Episcopal bishops is like Christmas. You don't know what's in the package but there's a pretty good chance that you're going to love it.

Of course you're going to get socks or a tie once in a while. Granted, I haven't seen many pictures of it but the recent consecration of Mary Glasspool, the Episcopal Church's second homosexual bishop, out in Los Angeles, has to be considered a major disappointment.

But the Diocese of Upper South Carolina just made up for it.  Um...Upper South Carolina, Gracie?  Yup.  For those who don't know, there are almost as many Episcopal dioceses as there are Episcopalians and, as Andy Warhol might have said, in the future, everyone will be an Episcopal bishop for 15 minutes.

Anyway, Upper SC just consecrated a new bishop.  That's him in the middle, the Rev. W. Andrew Waldo.  I'm not sure what's going on there.  I guess it's a variation of that flames theme.  Once again, it's kind of not a good idea if they look like they're coming from that direction.

The woman to Bishop Waldo's right is rocking a stole with the names of women from the Bible signifying, of course, that there were...women...in the...Bible.  I don't know about you but I didn't know that so I appreciate this woman communicating that fact.

I don't know what's happening on the stole on the woman to the Bishop's left.  God's in charge of the weather?  A tribute to the cold front?  Go Iowa State Cyclones?

Thursday, May 13, 2010

TRUTH IN ADVERTISING

Sarah wasn't the only one who busted a gut, dude.  I think I might have broken a rib just now.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

THE BV WORST VESTMENT NOMINATIONS

This site doesn't turn a year old for another couple of months and we're still a few days off from the consecration of Episcopal Bishop Suffragan Mary Glasspool out in Los Angeles, an event that has the potential to be a bad vestment gold mine so now's as good a time for this as any.

What is the worst Christian vestment you have ever seen?  Nominate it down in the comments.  There are two ways to nominate a vestment you've seen on this site.  Put in the URL of the post or just put the title of the post and the date so I can find it.

If you know of a vestment that I haven't gotten to yet but that you think deserves consideration, type in its URL.  I'll leave a link to this on the sidebar for a week, put together a field of ten or so(and the more votes a particular vestment receives, the more likely it is to make the cut) and then we'll vote for a week or so.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

ALL SORTS AND CONDITIONS OF MEN

You can meet just about anyone in an Episcopal church.  Men, women, blacks, whites, Anglos, Hispanics, heterosexuals, homosexuals, the colorblind...

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

WE BRING GOOD THINGS TO CHURCH

It's a good idea to be careful in one's vestment selection.  Do you know the first thing I thought when I saw this?  Why does Archbishop Duncan have the GE logo on his miter?

Saturday, April 24, 2010

YES AND NO

The gentleman pictured here is the Rt. Rev. Seán Manchester, Bishop of Glastonbury and Presiding Bishop of the British Old Catholic Church.  If you'd like to learn more about all that, click here but be warned that the site plays music whether you want it to or not(note to Web designers: if you're still doing that, stop it because it's really annoying).

I posted this vestment because I'm genuinely conflicted about it.  On the one hand, it is everything I like in a work of visual art.  Simple, direct, to the point.  What better idea for a Christian to focus on than the Cross and only the Cross?  And the fact that you enter into spiritual combat looking like a Knight Templar certainly doesn't hurt.

But on balance, I'm going to have to turn this one down.  Because when I saw this picture, the first thing that popped into my head was a chess piece.  The second was Alice in Wonderland.  So while I can't really declare this a bad vestment, I honestly can't declare it a good one.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

A MODEST PROPOSAL

If you're going to worship God in vestments this ridiculously embarrassing, why not go all the way and sell ad space on your copes and chasubles?  NASCAR drivers not only look better than you do but make money doing it.  And everybody knows that Episcopalians can really use the jack right about now.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

404 ERROR

ANNNNND we're off:

(1) Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for the only chasuble with its own IP address.
(2) You don't put this on this garment, you hack into it.
(3) Most vestments get cleaned.  This one gets a new hard drive.
(4) Old concept: liturgical colors.  New concept: PC versus Mac.
(5) For the time being, don't run Windows 7 while wearing this or the liturgy will constantly freeze up and you'll have to reboot and start over from the beginning.  Microsoft's working on the patch.
(6) This chasuble also serves as a wi/fi hotspot.
(7) If you want to order one, the name of this product is iGarbage.

You get the idea.

MAGIC EYE

I haven't tried this yet but rumor has it that if you stare at this for thirty seconds and then immediately look at a white space, you'll see a good vestment.

Monday, April 19, 2010

AS A MATTER OF FACT, HE IS ANGLICAN

What gave it away?

NEWS FROM THE ART WORLD

For some reason, MOMA appears to have hired a chaplain.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

BAD VESTMENTS 101

People often ask me, "Conrad?  What's the easiest way to tell when a liturgical vestment is really bad?"  Well, take this picture of New York Suffragan Bishop Catherine Roskam.  That's her on the right.

If you think that this picture desperately needs a guy in a top hat and a red coat somewhere nearby and if that circus song started running through your head(you know, the one that goes DOOT DOOT DOODLE-OODLE OOT-DOOT DO DO, DOOT DOOT DOODLE-OODLE OOT-DOOT DO DO), then you're looking at a genuinely awful liturgical garment.

Believe it or not, the above is actually not Catherine Roskam's most unintentionally embarrassing moment.  This is:

"My sistas and brothas, all my homies and peeps, stay up -- keep your head up, holla back, and go forth and tell like it is." With this proclamation, Bishop Suffragan Cathy Roskam of New York sent people on their way at the Bronx's third Hip Hop Mass, held Friday, July 2 at Trinity Church of Morrisania.

Word.

AS A MATTER OF FACT, HE IS EPISCOPALIAN

What gave it away?

UPDATE: Not sure why but I just had a Roger Ramjet flashback.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

DON'T LOOK AT IT, MARION!!

Mr. Andrew Bartus informs me that he saw this at a vestment establishment.  I don't even want to consider the possibility that someone might actually wear this during Divine service.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOUR 2010 TRINITY-WALL STREET EPISCOPAL CHURCH BOWLING TEAM!!

Mr. David Sibley sends along this new look at a classic bad vestment first mentioned here.  Two things strike me about these things.  Now that I know what that design is supposed to be, I hate it slightly less than I did before.  And the concept of the liturgical uniform really creeps me out.

FORE!!

Old-timers around here can tell you exactly where they were and what they were doing when the Acme Golf Tee Company's factory exploded in 1960.

I SAID NO AND I MEANT NO!!

This chasuble "was commissioned by Australian priest Ian Brown whose ministry celebrates and embraces the arts as expressions of the Spirit," in case you want to know why Making Important Personal StatementsTM with one's liturgical clothing is such a sore point with this department.